unmasking feelings: how to help your child share what they truly feel

what's in this article: 

• why kids might be masking their feelings
• what's really happening below the surface
• 3 ways to help a child unmask their feelings

“I may look mad, but I’m really feeling scared on the inside.” 

“I may look like I’m being silly, but I’m really feeling embarrassed on the inside.”  

"I may look happy, but I’m really feeling anxious on the inside.”  

Could your child be masking their true feelings?  

As a part of a costume, a mask can be a fun way to hide your identity or be a new personality! But for some kids in real life, putting a mask on their feelings is a way for them to hide who they truly are and what they’re really feeling.  

“There are times when our children put on a “mask” to hide their inner most feelings,” says Emily Weitz, children’s mental health expert. “They could be doing this to protect themselves from having to talk about their tough feelings or because it may be scary for them to share their vulnerable feelings!” 

The problem is that the more that a child masks or hides what they’re feeling inside, the more they become used to hiding their true feelings. This can become a real issue when:  

• Their behaviors unintentionally start to push other people away.
• Others may miss signs that the child is struggling and needing support in certain situations.  
• It leads to more behaviors that are socially unacceptable and uncomfortable to others.  

So how can you help create a safe space for your child to unmask their true feelings and share their emotions?   

The On Our Sleeves experts are here to share the type of feeling “masks” a child might wear, what emotions these masks may be covering up, and how to help a child get comfortable to share their true feelings in a healthy way.  

why kids might be masking their feelings 

First, let’s start with how to tell if your child is masking their feelings. Think about the kids in your life. Do they often get labeled as “the mad child,” “class clown,” “quiet and shy” or “always happy?  

It is easier to talk about the behavior than to think about the feeling that is driving the behavior. For example, we may focus on the silly behavior of a kid in class, while completely missing that they are struggling to understand the math.  

There are several reasons that kids could be masking their feelings including: 

1. It is easier for them to continue to show behaviors such as making jokes or being distracted rather than to show their true feelings or admit they don’t know the answer. 
2. It feels safer for them to show one emotion than to be vulnerable. For example, it may be easier for a child to show anger than to admit that they are embarrassed. 
3. They discover that their behaviors can distract others from the real issue. For example, if they didn’t have dinner last night or someone hurt them at home, they throw books or yell to get moved to a quieter place.  

what’s hiding beneath the mask?  

Now that we recognize that behaviors have meaning and can be a “mask,” let’s explore what might be hiding beneath the surface. Here are some examples of feelings that could be tucked away behind more visible emotions. If you notice any of these behaviors, take a moment to consider what else the child might be experiencing: 

Remember, these are just a few examples, and there are many possibilities! 

• Mad: This could actually be masking feelings of sadness, frustration, fear, embarrassment, jealousy, or feeling left out. 
• Happy: Sometimes, behind a smile, there might be feelings of sadness, anxiety, or concern. 
• Shy: Feeling shy could also mean they’re anxious, uncertain, scared, or uncomfortable in a situation. 
• Silly: When kids act silly, it might be a cover for feeling left out, different, uncomfortable, or unsure of the answer. 

3 ways to help your child unmask their feelings  

So how can you help your child to unmask the feelings behind the behavior? Here are three suggestions.  

1. Start the conversation: Help them “unmask” by having ongoing conversations about feelings. Talk about how they feel in comfortable situations versus how they feel in uncomfortable situations. By opening the conversation, you are helping them to explore their own thoughts and identify their own feelings. You’re also showing that you are a safe adult to talk to about their feelings and emotions.  
2. Be a good role model: Create an environment where it is okay to talk about all kinds of feelings and emotions. Creating this environment starts with talking about your own feelings first! You can also show that you are accepting of all feelings and emotions by how you react and respond to things that happen within your home. 
3. Explore what happened: Talk about what was going on prior to the behavior and offer suggestions to help them identify the feeling that is being “masked.” 

Helping children to feel more comfortable showing and talking about their true feelings is an ongoing learning process. It takes coaching and practice as they encounter different situations and circumstances. Our goal is to support our children through this process. This in turn supports their overall mental wellness growth and development! 

more resources for children's mental health

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