A parent's guide to talking about anxiety

If you're a parent, caregiver, or someone who takes care of a child, talking to them about their worries or fears can sometimes be tricky. It might even make you feel a little nervous too! You might be wondering, "How can I talk to them about what's bothering them without making a mistake?" A conversation about worries may lead to questions you're not sure how to answer. 

But don't worry, we're here to help! The first thing to know is that anxiety is just a big word for feeling worried or scared a lot. If you want to learn more about how to figure out if your child is feeling anxious, read our previous blog on anxiety. 

Now that you're ready to have the conversation about anxiety, the experts at On Our Sleeves have made this guide to help you! In this article we’ve included:

• Some questions that a child may ask and answers from professionals to help comfort them.
• Scenarios where kids may feel anxiety and tools you can use to help them overcome their fears.
• More resources and a worksheet to get to know your child's worries better.

common questions and answers 

Question: What happens to my brain when I feel anxious? 

“Why am I feeling anxious?" 

Answer: When our brains think that we are in danger, our brains will flood our bodies with hormones, like adrenaline. These hormones prepare our body to either fight the threat, run from the threat, or freeze to protect us. If we were in serious danger, this would be great protection! But sometimes our brain can think we’re in danger when we’re not. Our brain might think we’re in danger if we’re taking a test, giving a speech in front of the class or going somewhere new. When we’re not in real danger our body's response to the perceived threat can make us feel anxious.  

Question: What are some physical symptoms of anxiety?  

“Why am I feeling sweaty and have a stomachache, is this normal?” 

Answer: When we are anxious, we feel some physical symptoms like having a stomachache, having a fast heartbeat, feeling light-headed or dizzy, feeling pins and needles, breathing faster, sweating, having headaches or muscle aches or even experiencing an upset stomach (diarrhea, constipation, and nausea).  

All of these physical symptoms are our bodies’ way of expressing feelings. You can help your body by talking with someone, like me about what you’re feeling. Which ones have you felt? 

Question: What are some situations when anxiety is helpful? 

"Is anxiety always bad?"

Answer: Anxiety isn’t always a bad thing. Experts say that anxiety can help us to stay alert, keep us aware of risks or motivate us to solve problems.  

For example, anxious feelings can motivate us to work harder in school, sports, and other activities. Anxiety can help to warn us of true dangers, like making us aware of negative friendships, warning us about making unhealthy choices or making us aware when something dangerous happens and we need to react (like when we’re driving and need to stop or slow down to avoid an accident).  

Anxiety can also help us to prepare better for an upcoming event that we are nervous about, like public speaking, performing on stage, or having a group project! 

how to handle anxiety in certain scenarios  

Anxiety can become a concern when it interferes with your ability to do your best. Luckily, there are ways to address anxiety in many different scenarios to overcome the fight, flight or freeze reactions!  

Here are some common examples:  

1. Taking a Test 

Say you’re taking a test in class and your anxiety causes you to freeze, now you can’t remember the answers!  

How to help: Plan out your study sessions leading up to the test to help you feel prepared. Use friends, teachers, and family to help you prepare. Make flashcards to help with memorization. When you are studying, write down your answers rather than talking them out loud to make it more like how you will be tested. But remember, don’t stay up too late studying the night before, your body needs rest to perform at its best. 

2. Speaking in front of the class 

If you get so nervous that you forget what to say, your anxiety may cause you to stutter.   

How to help: If you can, practice your speech ahead of time in front of stuffed animals or dolls. Then practice in front of your family members or friends. You can also practice in front of a mirror! Have someone else read your speech out loud to you and listen to how they do it. Let your teacher know that you get very nervous and anxious when you talk in front of others so that the teacher can understand.  Look slightly above everyone’s head so it looks like you are making eye contact without having to actually look at someone. Set your goal to just complete the task, you don’t have to be perfect!  

3. Being away from family  

Maybe when you have to leave your parent or loved one you feel that your body feels sweaty and panicked. This is known as separation anxiety. 

How to help: Come up with a routine with your caregiver to do each time they have to leave (one hug, a wave, a special handshake). Role-play this with your toys first and then practice with your caregiver multiple times. Say to yourself “They always come back!”  

4. Trying something new or doing something by yourself for the first time. 

It can be easy to get overwhelmed when you do something you are not comfortable with.  

How to help: Make a goal to just try this new thing, you don’t have to like doing it or be good at it. Talk about how you feel uncomfortable with the activity with a trusted adult. Problem solve or talk through any concerns you have Ask if someone can be there to support you the first time you try this new activity!  

5. Feeling pressure to be perfect 

Sometimes you may feel pressure to always get an “A” on a test, win at every event, be the best on the team, and never make a mistake! This can cause feelings of anxiety. 

How to help: Talk with your parent or caregiver about their expectations. It is important to try your hardest but not to be perfect as no one is perfect. Know that you will still be liked and/or loved, even if you make mistakes, just as long as you try your best.  

6. Making a mistake 

If you feel anxious when you have to tell an adult you made a mistake, or you feel that you have to hide, cover up or blame your mistakes on someone else your body and brain may feel anxious.  

How to help: Remember that everyone makes mistakes, this is how we grow and learn. It is a sign of strength and character to admit your mistake and take responsibility for it by learning from it. The next time you try  you may be able to do it differently.  

more resources about anxiety  

Feelings of nervousness, worry and anxiety are common in children. However, it can become an anxiety disorder if it’s stopping them from doing things they would like to or need to do.  

Watch for: 

• Feelings that seem much more extreme than the situation (such as distress, hopelessness, uncontrolled crying) 
• Symptoms in their body that keep them from normal activities, including shaking, headaches or stomach aches 
• Avoidance of common activities or refusing to take part in social activities 
• Sleep problems that continue over time, including refusing to sleep alone or nightmares 
• Repeatedly having to offer reassurance and comfort for common situations 

If you see these kinds of behaviors repeatedly, you may want to speak to your pediatrician, your child’s teacher or school counselor or contact a mental health professional.  

If you need help finding a mental health professional, visit Dayton Children's Mental Health Resource Connection  directory.  

when I’m anxious worksheet 

Turn your conversation into an interactive activity with your child. Download the How My Body Feels When I’m Anxious worksheet and ask your child to map out what they’re feeling inside when they’re worried or nervous.  

Maybe they feel like there are bees buzzing in their stomach! Or is there a tornado of worries swirling in their head?  

Help them to map it all out using the How My Body Feels When I’m Anxious worksheet. 

Also available to download en español.